Greetings Merehumescum,

As part of our enhancement proceedings during Operation Bastard '08, that we propositioned the country known as 'Canada' with an open offer to the Canadian Prime Minister and Canadian people.

We reprint that here for your perusal Canada, as the Canadian Government, oblivious to the will of their people, have decided to hush this up and ignore our communique.

#0000056543-c The Canadian Proposal

To: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Dear Sir,

I have noted of late, that it has become some-how in vogue, to pick on Canada. Not since Monty Python versed their 'Lumberjack Song' setting back the cause of Lumberjack Relations by many years, has Canada's reputation been in such dire straights.

Mocked by South Park.

Made into a racist joke in the United States.

Mocked by ignorant peoples around the world.

Why? I hear you ask?

What can you as the Canadian Premiere do to resolve this heinous situation.

Well, speaking in my official capacity as Grand High Psyon from The CHurch Of Applied Psyonetiks (http://psyonetiks.co.uk) we feel that Canada is currently suffering from a case of "Epic Fail" and could do with a "Meaty Injection Of WIN!"

And we are that win.

If you were to adopt Psyonetiks as the Official State Religion of Canada, we could help you turn your countries fates around.

Hey you?

Canadian Premiere...

Yes, YOU!

Are you aware that your current state religion is suffering from massive amounts of Epic Fail, helping to contribute to the negative stereotype currently held in common memetic structure.

That’s right, it has “The Aids*”.

What’s the cure for that you may ask?

Meaty injections of WIN!

And Psyonetiks is that win.

100% win.

We are often asked to describe Psyonetiks, to sum up such a complex theosophical sophistry, with such clumsy tools as mere words hardly seems to do it justice at all: but sum up we must.

Simply put:

~ZOMG! LIEK PSYOETIKS IS FINAL BOSS OF RELEGEONS! IT FUXXING PWNS ALL OTHER GHEY-ASS CULTS! ~ *2

And just how simple (not to mention illiterate...) was that?

Psyonetiks is the one true religion as I often say:

“Our lies are New & Improved!”

Don’t be fooled into filling your brain with inferior products, marketed by our spurious competitors.

We don’t ban sausages, chops or even Canadian bacon, we don’t have lots of tricky thou shalts to remember to stick to, and we are not going to trick you into joining an amoral moneycentric mind controlling cult.

We’ll ask you nicely to join our Evil Mind Controlling Amoral Moneycentric Lie Filled Spacebatshitinsane Cult instead *3.

Don’t be blagged by the Buddha, confuddled with the Christ, jibbed by Jews, scammed by Scientologists, shafted by Satanists, evolved by Evangelicals, co-opted by Krishna’s, instigated by Islam, procured by Moonies, worked over by Wicca or fobbed off with any inferior Product.

No other religion is made from 100% pure fucking WIN! *4

No other religion can offer you your choice of eternal damnation, or eternal transenligtenment, and especially not at such a cheap price.

You want an intricate network of incomprehensible acronyms to fill you with SMUG and make you sound cooler than all the other cultists?

You got it in Psyonetiks.

So, Sir, for you and your fine country we will offer a total conversion to Psyonetiks for you and every one of your citizens ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE!

Please think over our generous offer.

Yours Faithfully,

Dr. L Jon Heracy

End Comminuque

As you can see there is only one option left to us. SEND CANADA NOW!!!!! If you are a Canadian, or know any Canadians, please inform them of our fine offer, and please don't forget to register your absolute disgust with the Canadian PM and his governments witholding of valuable public information at the above email address.

Soon all your Canadas will belong to us. . .

For those of you unaware of the existence of Canada, a brief low down follows.

Canada is a small uninspiring landmass located on Earthfarm1 noted for its hoopy casinos, archaic mounted police force, who use substandard ex Prussian military Mechov-Dii's. Canada's main exports include Canadian Bacon ~which is made of actual Canadians~, Hockey and the sweet sap of the Maple Tree on which the Canadian Brood Queens feed their young. Canada is best kept chilled in an airtight container for 5 - 10 weeks before consuming. Canada may contain peanuts and as such represents a choking hazard.

Canada, yesterday.

Canadians at repose.

The Canadian Mounted Police

Made Of 100% Real Canadians

Maple Sap

~~~~~~

Footnotes:

* yes, it does, it was bummed up the arse by a tramp, who has “the aids” and awoke behind Asda in ashopping trolley with a rolled up tenner behind its ear.

*2 Psyonetiks: Final Boss! Prepair To Fight! You must defeat our dragon punch to stand a chance.

*3 C’mon, SEND £ $ £ $ £ $ ‘s NOW! Please. We need the money for tinfoil hats to stop Scientology scanning our brains with their uber major league baseball satellites. WeEooOOeooeEOOooooooE!

*4 Ask your local spiritual representative if his faith is “made of fucking win” and see what he/she/it says.

Go on. I dare you.